My sister, ‘the GP’, has a pet obsession about vitamin D. She talks to everyone about it, she goes to every training workshop on the topic, her daughter sings song about it – its a topic that means a lot to her and she feels that she can give back to the world by teaching them about this topic.
I also have a pet obsession. The topic is actually quite bizarre when you first hear of it – I’m obsessed with helping women overcome the pain of their husbands pornographic addictions.
Praise be to God, Alhamdolillah, my husband doesn’t have a pornography addiction. But over the last few years, At least 20% of women who have come to me for marriage mentoring have a had problems and issues with pornography and it has ruined their lives. It forms a dark shadow over their marriages. My heart goes out to them.
Many a time I have spoken to women who have told me that ‘I just don’t get it’ – a couple of times, I am shamed to say, I have told women (whose menfolk are trying to overcome their addiction but are stumbling) to just grit their teeth and put up with it – which can come across has cold and heartless from someone who doesn’t know what it is like to experience that pain, and can only imagine.
I have read almost all of the books in the Every Man’s Battle series, by Fred Stoker … a fantastic series of books, which have a wealth of information and advice for both men and women overcoming sexual sin. If you read the whole series it can seem quite repetitive, but each book has valuable gems in.
I found book ‘every heart restored the most helpful ‘, wish is a book for women, by women, whose husbands have had pornographic addictions. The most notable woman being Brenda Stoker – Fred Stokers wife. The Every Man series is a Christian perspective yet reading the book from an Islamic perspective also makes complete sense, although it can be quite graphic at times.
Here is a brief summary of three main points to recovery – demanding it stops, regaining trust through his actions, and using masculine/feminine energy to balance his energy.
Demanding that it stop – is normal
Women who find that their husbands have been looking at pornography regularly start demanding and controlling their husbands lives. They start checking up on them, driven by wild fear to prevent further heartbreak and relapses in the addiction. However, in retrospect this is the wrong way to behave. You cant control your husband’s actions. It’s his choice, that he has made, which has been derived from his own weaknesses, his past, his memories, and is most often to fill a void he has in his life.
Yet it is perfectly normal for women to demand that their husbands control their eyes and stop looking at immoral images! It is the right of a woman to have her husband take pleasure in her, and her alone – as his lawful wife. And to demand that he doesn’t allow his eyes to rove to that which is not lawfully his!
There was a time when Fred had a burglary in his office and he was furious about the violation of rights – it is just as NORMAL to feel furious when your rights as a wife have been violated by your husband, and rightly so.
The fact that his secret obsession has come out into the open has actually revealed the truth about your marriage – you may have thought that your marriage was perfect and you were awoken to the harsh reality that your husband has been compromising the purity of your marriage. Yet God, Allah, has shown you the truth so your marriage can now move towards being genuine.
Regaining Trust
Every Heart Restored talks about trust being twofold: 1) for the man to become trust worthy, and 2) for the woman to trust her husband. Simple! But there’s a catch. The woman cannot trust the man until he becomes trustworthy. Only once he starts to behave in a trust worthy manner will you be able to trust him again…
There is no real trick to start trusting him again apart from the proof being in the pudding.
Make a list of all the triggers which cause you to distrust your husband, and have an agreement with him that he needs to show that he is trustworthy – he is the one who broke your trust in the first place….
The only things that can trust are you husband’s consistent and faithful actions. Thus men who claim, ‘If you loved me you would trust me,’ are speaking a load of baloney! If had acted in a trustworthy way and not broken your trust and violated the god-ordained bond of your marriage – you would trust him, no?
Yes, he has wounded you. It is your right now, therefore, that he applies dressings on your wounds, and shows you mercy and love by helping you to heal.
Using Yin and Yang to Heal
Weak women and domineering men
As women, we function the best when we are tapped into our feminine side – meaning we are more creative, receptive, and nurturing. That doesn’t mean we don’t posses masculine traits – we can be productive, directive and rational – of course! Yet we work best when we lie primarily in our feminine energy.
Women who find out about their husband’s pornography addictions often become too energised with the feminine, with no masculine energy inside them to keep them balanced, they risk their natural feminine energy becoming distorted – becoming weak, submissive, needy, suffocated. This is quite typical of a woman who has found out that her husband has been viewing pornography.
Women in this situation become the prime targets for distorted masculine energy to be directed at them by their husbands. Their husbands may become unfeeling and insensitive to their wife’s needs. Rather than making this mistake, husbands would do well at that point to understand that their wives would benefit from tender loving care – light feminine energy being given to them in order for them to recover from their weak neediness.
Women wishing to bring out some gentleness in their husbands can best facilitate this by tapping into their own light masculine energy when around their husbands. By being: directive, rational, focussed, and showing leadership. By showing him that you are your own boss. By using your light masculine energy to protect yourself. By becoming a leader in your family’s healing.
Sometimes leaders will have to shout and be forceful. Yet they will do it with mercy and be just. Sometimes the focussed woman will ave to be adamant and insistent when she is protecting the sanctity of her marriage, home and children. This is the warrior woman, who fends for her own home’s survival. You all have this warrior woman inside you, my sisters, and you can bring her out by tapping into your masculine energy.
If he is extremely masculine, be masculine back in a healthy way. This will cause him to become a little bit more feminine, and will balance out his extreme masculine polarity. If she is extremely feminine, be feminine back in a healthy way. This will cause her to be a bit more masculine, and this till balance out her extreme feminine polarity.
Weak men and controlling women
Yet often, the opposite can happen, too. The man is so ashamed of what he has done, and he pleads and begs for forgiveness, hoping to clear his mess as quickly as possible. When he doesn’t get this forgiveness he withdraws, and no longer feels like a ‘real man’. The woman, sensing his distorted feminine energy, reacts by becoming controlling, ruthless, and scorns him for what he did. She becomes extremely masculine to balance his extreme feminine. She demeans his filthy behaviour, and accuses him of being a poor specimen of a man, a poor example of a Muslim. Ouch. This causes him to retreat further into his shell of misery.
So what do you do when you become more assertive, exerting and thrusting, and he responds with a polarity flip’ – becoming distorted in his feminine energy? Hang in there and balance him out with your light energy. If at any time you feel that your energy is becoming distorted, and you become controlling and chaotic, let this act as a cue that you could do with some time out. Withdraw yourself from the situation at hand and get a change of environment. What calms you and relaxes you? Take time out to align yourself. And once you have done that,
So find the right energy you need to balance your home. If he is too feminine, be feminine back in a healthy way, and this will cause him to be a bit more masculine, thus balancing out his distorted feminine energy. If she is too masculine, be masculine back in a healthy way, and this will cause her to be a little bit more feminine, balancing out her distorted masculine energy.
To summarise:
- It is normal for a wife demand that her husband stops viewing pornography
- It is normal for a woman to feel betrayed
- It is normal for woman to feel her marriage has been compromised
- A woman must start to trust her husband again
- A woman can only trust her husband once he becomes trustworthy
- A man must prove that he is trustworthy by performing trustworthy actions
- If a man becomes extremely masculine, a woman should show some masculinity, too
- If a woman becomes extremely feminine, a man should show some femininity, too
- If a man becomes too feminine, a woman should show some femininity, too
- If a woman becomes too masculine, the man should show some masculinity, too.
Hang in there, my sister. It’s a real test for you, and may God, Allah, give you all the (light) energy you need to rebalance your home.
