This March in The Cherished Muslimah Sisterhood, we have been connecting to our purpose and really focusing on why we do what we do, and when others don’t join in, do we just stop and give up?
I was coaching a lady this month who was talking about her frustrations about her husband, who, if the phone rang in the evening, would spend a good portion of time chatting away when he could be spending time with his family. Regularly. Although she had spoken to him about this, he still continued to do it, and she was so annoyed with him, that she said she would take phone calls in the evening, too.
Hang on! Really?
As we explored what was happening I helped her to work through what was really, truly important about her wanting her husband to not take long phone calls in the evening, and here is what she connected with:
What is important about not taking phone calls?
- To spend time together as a family
- To become a closer family
- To be a family that worships Allah together
- To set a good example for the children
- To have righteous children
- So we can all go to Jannah (paradise) together.
As we discussed this underlying value – getting to Jannah, I asked her – ‘so if your husband takes calls in the evening, do you not want to go to Jannah anymore?’ She paused, thought about it, laughed, and said ‘No….’
I want to get to Jannah!
And I want to in the rain.
And in the dark. And on a train.
And in a car. And in a tree.
It is so good, so good, you see!
And I want it here and there.
Say! I want it anywhere!
Eggsand Rivers Ham
You see, her value of going to Jannah is always there – in the good times and the not so good – so why should that affect her behaviour? Why would she start doing the same thing as her husband, and not honour her value of going to Jannah?
Don’t bury your values in your inner-garden. Hang them up on your tree like twinkling lanterns that light your way and beautify your life! Allow others to benefit from their light and enjoy their beauty. Perhaps they will be inspired to hang their own lanterns on their own tree?
One of my teachers told us that our path is a lonely one, and to get to the top of the mountain, you can’t sit around and wait for others to join you – as waiting means losing out. When people set off to climb the mountain, they have to prepare and practice, they have to go equipped. Many don’t make it: some give up when it gets tough, some die on the way, yet others and they are few, keep at it and get to the top. Will you endeavour to get to the top?
The way to Allah is a lonely one, yet a unique way for each of us. For you, it may be:
- Teach others
- Being good to your parents
- Being a good parent yourself
- Working on creating a loving marriage
Tap into the values that connect you with Allah, as these are the gems and diamonds that will get you into paradise.
If there were a single sacred rose
On a mountain top that grows
Where nobody ever dares to go
For you, I’d climb that mountain high
I would reach up to the sky
If that rose was your desire
Don’t you know that I
Would do anything
Would do anything
Anything For You – Sami Yusuf
If you would like to learn more about them, read my new book: The Four Traits of a Cherished Muslimah – how it takes more than just love to your marriage. and its companion workbook, where you can learn how to practically cultivate these four traits in your life.
Come and ‘meet’ me and other like-minded women in The Cherished Muslimah Sisterhood! It is an online safe space where women can learn and discuss how to resurrect womanhood, be powerful beyond measure and cultivate nourished marriages and relationships.
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I love helping women to find win-win solutions in their marriage and relationships so they can create homes that are places of affection and tranquillity. I am on a mission to resurrect womanhood, empower women beyond measure and create nourished marriages. We all deserve to be powerful women. It is our God-given right. You can achieve this too. Book a session with me today and let me show you how.
2 thoughts on “Why do you do what you do?”
Awesome post but this still doesn’t explain how she can specifically get her husband to listen to her so she can feel connected to him ? Resentment may seep in if he continues to not give her time ? How can she get him to stop talking on the phone in the evening and give her and the family more time and affection ? Look forward to your reply.
Best wishes 🙂
Salam PowerpuffGirl – you always ask good questions 🙂
This post wasn’t meant to explain how specifically to communicate what she wanted to her husband, hence those parts were not mentioned. This was post was looking at ‘why’ we do things – our purpose, as that is what the focus of the month is.
However, there are many things she can do in her situation – it’s not about how she can ‘get ‘ her husband to listen to her, or ‘get’ him to stop talking on the phone, as we can’t ‘get’ anyone to do things, but we can facilitate those things happening through communicating our desires, feelings and values to others. If he’s not giving her time, she could communicate this to him. It seems like quality time’ maybe her love language? There’s another thing to communicate to him.
A nourished marriage involves many things, communication is a part of it. But here, she could nourish her marriage firstly with purpose – looking at why she wants him to not be on the phone, and that’s what this post is about. And then there’s gratitude, self-care and giving love to him as well. Respect and healthy boundaries also play a big part in a healthy marriage – so she needs to look at all those areas, and nourish the garden of her marriage with them. It takes more than just love to nourish one’s marriage. 🙂